Flashbulb Memories

I will always remember this moment.
The moment when I got the news.
There are many thrilling and disappointing moments, flashbulb memories, that will forever be engraved in my mind.
I may remember where I was, what I was wearing, what I was doing when I got the news- whether I want to remember or not.

The memories are too much to list, but one type of memory that becoming a little too frequent for my comfort is learning that a loved one has passed.

Death.

I understand that it is a pivotal part in living, but more so to me, right now it is a sign that I am growing up. Gone are the days of innocence and simply not knowing. Now even the loss of a distant family member leaves a hole, a blemish, a question.

What's next?
Who's next?

I know that this is no way to live life, wondering who is the next to die, but it is a difficult question not to ask. After grandparents, the next to go are usually parents.

I just learned that my grandfather passed away in his sleep. It wasn't a surprise because he has been sick and my Mom was given a timeline by his doctor. However, when she received that initial news, she told me that it is an interesting thing to start planning to lose a parent.

How does one plan for the inevitable?

This is the second grandparent that has died in my lifetime; the first was when I was about 6 and is a very faint memory. With 3 more grandparents to go, it is a reality that I will have a fairly active role in their end. I cannot merely meander during the funeral like I did as a child. I will have real memories. I will feel real loss.

And then what?
What is next?
Who is next?

Is that what growing up is? A waiting game for the next heartbreak, lost friendship, lost family member? I don't know how much I can take.

And then I remember. I cannot live that way. I cannot wait around. I cannot simply stop making memories due to a dramatized fear of loss. The beauty of death can only be seen when life is lived completely.

I must continue to love; continue to live. I am not saying to neglect the reality that everyone around me has an unknown time stamp... including myself. But when someone is gone, they are gone.

That's it.
The show's over.
And life will go on.

I guess my biggest issue with death right now is that I don't know how to respond.
I used to believe that when we cry over the dead it is more of a selfish act. They can't hear or see us, so our tears are turning their loss of life into a loss in our life. We're upset because we lost something, not because they can't live anymore. While I still believe that this concept carries a bit of truth, it shows how naive I was. When we lose a loved one, we really do lose a part of ourselves. However, if they were really as loved as we say they were, we will be able to cherish them in their absence. It will take some time and effort to readjust to life, but just as the seasons come and go, life must also go one.

This growing up thing sucks. This is exactly the reason why there is no rule book for life. I get it now. We wouldn't be able to handle all of this truth if we read it under a tree in our late teens or early 20s. We would come up with every reason to discredit the author until it became our reality and and we realized the harsh truths that we read about were real; everything about life and its never ending ever so consistent cycle.

I know that tomorrow is a new day and with death comes new life, but right now- this sucks. (That, I know.)