Flashbulb Memories

I will always remember this moment.
The moment when I got the news.
There are many thrilling and disappointing moments, flashbulb memories, that will forever be engraved in my mind.
I may remember where I was, what I was wearing, what I was doing when I got the news- whether I want to remember or not.

The memories are too much to list, but one type of memory that becoming a little too frequent for my comfort is learning that a loved one has passed.

Death.

I understand that it is a pivotal part in living, but more so to me, right now it is a sign that I am growing up. Gone are the days of innocence and simply not knowing. Now even the loss of a distant family member leaves a hole, a blemish, a question.

What's next?
Who's next?

I know that this is no way to live life, wondering who is the next to die, but it is a difficult question not to ask. After grandparents, the next to go are usually parents.

I just learned that my grandfather passed away in his sleep. It wasn't a surprise because he has been sick and my Mom was given a timeline by his doctor. However, when she received that initial news, she told me that it is an interesting thing to start planning to lose a parent.

How does one plan for the inevitable?

This is the second grandparent that has died in my lifetime; the first was when I was about 6 and is a very faint memory. With 3 more grandparents to go, it is a reality that I will have a fairly active role in their end. I cannot merely meander during the funeral like I did as a child. I will have real memories. I will feel real loss.

And then what?
What is next?
Who is next?

Is that what growing up is? A waiting game for the next heartbreak, lost friendship, lost family member? I don't know how much I can take.

And then I remember. I cannot live that way. I cannot wait around. I cannot simply stop making memories due to a dramatized fear of loss. The beauty of death can only be seen when life is lived completely.

I must continue to love; continue to live. I am not saying to neglect the reality that everyone around me has an unknown time stamp... including myself. But when someone is gone, they are gone.

That's it.
The show's over.
And life will go on.

I guess my biggest issue with death right now is that I don't know how to respond.
I used to believe that when we cry over the dead it is more of a selfish act. They can't hear or see us, so our tears are turning their loss of life into a loss in our life. We're upset because we lost something, not because they can't live anymore. While I still believe that this concept carries a bit of truth, it shows how naive I was. When we lose a loved one, we really do lose a part of ourselves. However, if they were really as loved as we say they were, we will be able to cherish them in their absence. It will take some time and effort to readjust to life, but just as the seasons come and go, life must also go one.

This growing up thing sucks. This is exactly the reason why there is no rule book for life. I get it now. We wouldn't be able to handle all of this truth if we read it under a tree in our late teens or early 20s. We would come up with every reason to discredit the author until it became our reality and and we realized the harsh truths that we read about were real; everything about life and its never ending ever so consistent cycle.

I know that tomorrow is a new day and with death comes new life, but right now- this sucks. (That, I know.)

Au Revoir, 2012!!

Yes, it's an expected and somewhat cliche post about my last year and looking ahead to the new year.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

2012 was quite the year for me. Of course there was good and bad, but I wouldn't change a thing! I have watched myself grow in so many ways and learn so many things. It is an amazing ability to be able to be reflective and hold on to those observations to continue to greatness.

Here are few highlights from my year:

• Graduating from Lake Forest College
• Overall this is one of my greatest accomplishments! There are many people who came before me who were refused a basic, let alone, secondary education. I am proud to say that I have earned two bachelor degrees and look forward to the next level of education that my future has is store. Being a student at LFC offered so many great experiences, people, and accomplishments. Though there were some things that I disagreed with, I will be forever grateful for the institution and what it contributed to my life, growth, and development.
• My love for teaching
• I thought that I wanted to be a teacher, but now that I have spent a semester in a class actually teaching I have discovered my love for teaching. I love being in a position of knowledge, feeding eager (and not so eager) learners. I love being in a position to watch my students succeed and fail and learn from their mistakes. I could not have truly known how much I love teaching without the experience that I had in CPS this fall and though there are still so many different areas in education that I would like to play a role, I can actually say that I wouldn't mind being in my own classroom for a few years. I'm shocked.
• Friends- the family I chose... and who chose me
• With all of the goodbyes that I have had to say in the last year, I have learned a lot about the company I keep. Senior year offered a lot of new connections and the growth of seasoned relationships. I grew to appreciate my circles of friends on a whole new level and say goodbye to some relationships that have run their course. It happens. After leaving the structured environment of a college campus where everyone you need is less than 10 mins away, I was not sure what to expect of my many relationships. However, I was kind of surprised by how often I saw many of my friends. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised because we make time for the things/people who are the most important.
• I'm going to have a sister...kind of.
• My brother got engaged!! I know this is more of a highlight for him, but I am so happy for him and his fiancee!!! I look forward to sharing in their celebration in 2013 and welcoming Samantha into our family!
• FAITH
•   My faith is growing stronger and stronger every day. I am so blessed by God and awestruck by all of the ways that He is working in my life. When I think of the goodness of Jesus and all that he's done for me!! There is no way that I would be ending 2012 with so much peace and comfort had it not been for the Lord on my side. I am working on walking by faith- it's a lot less stressful that way- and letting God have his way. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me in 2013.

Taking the good and the bad, the highs and the lows into consideration, 2012 was a great year and I look forward to what 2013 has to offer. Here's to living a life with no regrets and lots of love!